Michael Earnshaw's Irrelevant Advice, Vol. 1

Today's piece of Irrelevant Advice:

How To Tell When You've Been Reading Too Much Krazy Kat

One good way is to look at your writing and see if you've been replacing letter Vs with Ws, and letter Cs with Ks, and putting every noun into quotation marks.

Another good way is to note that when you sit down to write an ode to tea, it ends up as a Krazy Kat script.

1. (Krazy Kat holding a cup and saucer with tea.)
NARRATOR: As dawn breaks orange and yellow over "Kokonino Kounty," ineluctably illuminating its massive mesas and sandy stretches, we discover "Krazy Kat," eponymous hero of our tale, preparing to greet the day, as the saying has it, cup of "tea" in his hand--
KRAZY: Oh, "tea," you're werra nice--I do luv to drink you, tempz a tempz--with "melk" or "krim" and "honey," or "brun shuga," or "white shuga"--a nice verm drenk--but not too hot, else I should burn my po' mouf--

2. (Krazy walking with his tea.)
KRAZY: And oh, there is so many luv-lee kinds of tea--"bleck" tea, "grin" tea, "Erl grey" tea"--teas made of flowas--

3. (Krazy pausing, reflecting, facing the audience.)
KRAZY: But I wunda where is my dahlink "Ignatz"? I shell like to drink a "tea" with him.

4. (Ignatz behind a tree, contemplating "Krazy" in the distance, coffee mug in his hand.)
IGNATZ: Look at that "kat" with his foolish "tea"--everybody knows, "koffee" is the beverage of kings--the choice consumable of the African kings of "Eeth-ee-o-pee-a"--delicious, hot--giver of life and of energy!

5. (Ignatz beaning Krazy with his coffee mug. Sound effects ZIP-Pow!; hearts fly, Krazy drops his tea.)
IGNATZ: Drink off this potion, fool!
KRAZY: L'il ainjil!

6. (Krazy "heppy," yet mourning his tea.)
KRAZY: Oh, my "tea"! In my selfish "heppiness," you hast lost your life! Yet will I remember you--my own "kittens" will learn, when they reach an age, of your trejick "sacrifice"--

7. (Offissa Bull Pupp rushing up on Ignatz; Ignatz fleeing halfheartedly [he knows how the drama is structured].)
B. PUPP: Did you think I wouldn't see it, villain?

8. (Offissa Pupp escorting Ignatz to jail; Krazy looking on.)
KRAZY: Oh, they two do luv to play togedda--
B. PUPP: I hope you enjoyed your "koffee," you kontemptible, kowardly, kriminal--for krashing your kup on that dear kat's kranium, you'll have no "koffee" for kwite some time. Indeed, there shall be no "koffee" where you're headed!

9. (Ignatz in jail; Krazy seated on a log outside, playing his banjo and singing.)
KRAZY: There is a heppy lend, fur, fur a-waaay!